Getting over your stressful stories

This video will be annoying for a lot of people.

As human beings, we love stories, and we live in our own constructed stories.
Sometimes though, these stories aren't helpful to us in the present or our future.

For example, when people feel stressed, they usually have a story to accompany (and justify) their physiological stress response ("I'm stressed because of X and Y"). More often than not, these stories are not life threatening. Instead, that are a series self-constructed meanings that we have generated to explain our interpretation of a set of events. As human beings, our interpretations are often flawed, and rarely match up to the reality of the event.

Here's an example. You stay up late working on an essay. You're using a PC, and the file becomes corrupt with a virus. (It wouldn't happen on a Mac - sorry couldn't resist). You therefore lose many hours of work, and your grade for that assignment will suffer unless you can construct an appropriate way to overcome this dilemma. The deadline is approaching fast.

Stressful hey?

Well, in this situation, some people can't get over the injustice of the event. They'll build a stressful story around it, exaggerating the amount of work lost and the amount of work required to remedy it. They'll forecast doom for the near future, and find evidence to support the fact that they are the innocent victims ("it wouldn't have happened if my parents bought me a Mac when I asked" and "the teacher in this subject doesn't like me any way - he won't listen to what I have to say" etc). Before you know it, a big, solid, stressful story has been created. And the only thing this story does is justify a lack of proactive responsibility while at the same time reactivating the stress of the original event. 

Here are three better steps to successfully bouncing out of this situation.

1. Identify what really happened. If you feel yourself stressed or emotional about it, take a break from the environment in which it occurred - go for a walk, get out of the house or just do something else while you reflect upon the situation. The most important thing at this step is to identify emotional exaggeration - we all do it. It justifies our silly stress response. Do we actually want to feel stressed? No! So stick to the facts.
2. Extract the useful elements. When people are stressed, and they have a brilliant story, they tend to want to stay in that space. They seek friends who will be sympathetic to their non-constructive whinging, and they get angry/defensive when challenged on their story. By now, they have probably built it up to the point where it is far removed from the actual reality of the event. And chances are they've probably weaved together an elegant mix of meanings that justifies them not taking responsibility for the situation. Human nature is all quite amusing. So, if you have identified what really happened (step one) and ensured their is no emotional bias or exaggeration, you are ready to get out of the past and focus on what you can do now, constructively, in the present. What can you salvage from the situation? What needs to be done, right now, in order for you to move forward? In fact, how could your life benefit/progress as a result of this event?
3. Future-pace a successful story. If we are going to create stories for ourselves to live in, they might as well be positive, constructive ones! Once you've gotten over your stressful story, removed elements that may reactivate a stress response, and pragmatically identified the elements you need to move forward, you are in a prime position to walk through (in your mind) the next steps, constructing a happy outcome for your story. And why not? It's better than the alternative. 

So, in the example above, the student could use the opportunity to exaggerate a stressful story that inhibits her future attempts to complete the assignment and provides a convenient alibi that'll excuse her from poor performance. OR, she can take control of the situation, and look for opportunities to make the most of the situation. As I said in the video, it's often easier said than done. But if you can start to cultivate an awareness of your own stories, you may find yourself identifying the times when you reactivate your stressful stories. Instead, you can take control of the situation, and direct your life the way you really want to.

If you're going to delude yourself with stories (as everyone does, including me), you might as well make sure they're actually helpful for you in your life and your goals!